It some times can be unnerving, and even depressing, to learn about yourself through unexpected quarters. To take a peek at yourself through someone... Esp when that someone is supposedly more evil than you are...
The shaking of foundations, that happens during this discovery, can be very depressing!
I spoke with Majid, an inmate of the Danville prison, a student of EJP, a man who made an impression on me the first time I heard and spoke to him. I was going around striking conversations with the students asking them what they were up to. I had occasions to synch up with my regular friends - Malik, Jojo, Bartosz and others. Majid, I hadn't spoken to much, since the EJP Open House.
He was, at that time, typing up his chronology of incarceration. My first impression of it was that it was going to be his resume when he was released. He had an earnest list of all the things that he learned, worked on, built while he was imprisoned. It was an impressive list. That list consisted of those things that could match or better the skills of an Engineer like me. Suddenly, all the impressed faces, when I would mention that I am a Computer/Software Engineer, seemed like taunts. Electrical wiring, plumbing, accountancy, sociology etc were boast-worthy indeed!
I asked him why he wouldn't prepare a resume instead. Or make the chronology of incarceration read from the latest event first. He said the purpose of the two things were different and that he already had prepared his resume. I was hoping he would get a steady income job once he was released. (It is only recently that I understood the social stigma about prisoners and their families. Having interacted with both inmates and their families, this time as a volunteer, not as a documentary-viewer or movie-watcher, I saw the other side of things. Placing myself in their shoes is so hard that I don't attempt to do that much these days.) His getting a job where his employer trusts him is as probable as the US governments employing terrorist organizations in defense organizations. Only this is much more brushed under the carpet and made to look like there is no discrimination.
He said that every employer will ask him tons of questions about his crime, the nature of it, the reason, the graveness, etc. "They will not care to ask even one question on what I did and learned all these years, and instead focus on that one incident!" I had a lump in my throat. I wanted to point out that there was nothing wrong in the employer wanting to know about the crime. After all, he did commit it and he can't run away from it. I didn't need to. He himself pointed out that he was not denying the crime but instead of looking to generalize his whole life based on one incident he should be viewed as another individual who made a mistake and is repenting so much that he not only is mellow and not committing more crimes but also has done useful things with and in his life. He has made use of every little chance he got to improve himself.
He told me that he was appealing for parole. He was due for release in 1982 but learned right around his release that the law was amended and instead of 63% paroles there would only be 2%. My heart sank when I thought how I'd have felt. Just 2 months before I was to be released, happily dreaming about my reunion with my family and SLAP! No release for another 20 years!
He was in the prison for a homicide. Murder of 2 people...
"What do they (Jury/General public/Prospective employers) get by mentioning that one incident over and over again. It is not like I enjoyed it. It was an accident. I didn't run away from it but I have shown every sign of remorse by putting my life to good use. Here are the reports." Saying so he drew out a psychologist's report. He had a file of all documents that he could put together to appeal for a parole sooner than later.
I read through the summary of the crime glancing at him through the corner of my eye in between. I half wanted to picture how he may have been on that dreadful night of the murders. It was hard for me to imagine a fierce and gruesome expression on this man at all! Let alone on that night! I felt like a special friend at that moment. (We are told not to talk about their crimes. Understandably they don't want to relive those horrifying events that brought them there and many more sad stories revolving around their families.) And then for Majid to show me his whole report... made me feel like that special friend who has been confided to. It made me respect him. When you look back at the times when it was difficult for you to confess your mistakes/shortcomings this candid conversation with Majid only made him admirable! How many of us have the guts to admit the flaws in us? How many of us can go to our loved ones now and tell them the actual truth?
Here was a man showing remorse. He didn't intend to kill those 2 people. All the same he doesn't deny that that doesn't make him a murderer deserving punishment. He only urges us all to see and acknowledge that he is a human being who earnestly tries every moment to keep improving. I looked at his resume again. I recollected his discussion on Civil Rights in the first meeting that I mentioned. I gasped!
Suddenly I realized that I was in the presence of a man far greater than I am. Have you ever felt a sinking feeling when you realize that what you believed about yourself was not true? To the society I am supposed to be the better individual right? He is supposed to be the evil of the society right? And yet when I saw what he made of the little that life offered him, I couldn't look at myself with the same pride any more.
Thank you, Majid, for showing me who the greater man was. You are a prisoner. Yet you dwarfed me hands down!
The shaking of foundations, that happens during this discovery, can be very depressing!
I spoke with Majid, an inmate of the Danville prison, a student of EJP, a man who made an impression on me the first time I heard and spoke to him. I was going around striking conversations with the students asking them what they were up to. I had occasions to synch up with my regular friends - Malik, Jojo, Bartosz and others. Majid, I hadn't spoken to much, since the EJP Open House.
He was, at that time, typing up his chronology of incarceration. My first impression of it was that it was going to be his resume when he was released. He had an earnest list of all the things that he learned, worked on, built while he was imprisoned. It was an impressive list. That list consisted of those things that could match or better the skills of an Engineer like me. Suddenly, all the impressed faces, when I would mention that I am a Computer/Software Engineer, seemed like taunts. Electrical wiring, plumbing, accountancy, sociology etc were boast-worthy indeed!
I asked him why he wouldn't prepare a resume instead. Or make the chronology of incarceration read from the latest event first. He said the purpose of the two things were different and that he already had prepared his resume. I was hoping he would get a steady income job once he was released. (It is only recently that I understood the social stigma about prisoners and their families. Having interacted with both inmates and their families, this time as a volunteer, not as a documentary-viewer or movie-watcher, I saw the other side of things. Placing myself in their shoes is so hard that I don't attempt to do that much these days.) His getting a job where his employer trusts him is as probable as the US governments employing terrorist organizations in defense organizations. Only this is much more brushed under the carpet and made to look like there is no discrimination.
He said that every employer will ask him tons of questions about his crime, the nature of it, the reason, the graveness, etc. "They will not care to ask even one question on what I did and learned all these years, and instead focus on that one incident!" I had a lump in my throat. I wanted to point out that there was nothing wrong in the employer wanting to know about the crime. After all, he did commit it and he can't run away from it. I didn't need to. He himself pointed out that he was not denying the crime but instead of looking to generalize his whole life based on one incident he should be viewed as another individual who made a mistake and is repenting so much that he not only is mellow and not committing more crimes but also has done useful things with and in his life. He has made use of every little chance he got to improve himself.
He told me that he was appealing for parole. He was due for release in 1982 but learned right around his release that the law was amended and instead of 63% paroles there would only be 2%. My heart sank when I thought how I'd have felt. Just 2 months before I was to be released, happily dreaming about my reunion with my family and SLAP! No release for another 20 years!
He was in the prison for a homicide. Murder of 2 people...
"What do they (Jury/General public/Prospective employers) get by mentioning that one incident over and over again. It is not like I enjoyed it. It was an accident. I didn't run away from it but I have shown every sign of remorse by putting my life to good use. Here are the reports." Saying so he drew out a psychologist's report. He had a file of all documents that he could put together to appeal for a parole sooner than later.
I read through the summary of the crime glancing at him through the corner of my eye in between. I half wanted to picture how he may have been on that dreadful night of the murders. It was hard for me to imagine a fierce and gruesome expression on this man at all! Let alone on that night! I felt like a special friend at that moment. (We are told not to talk about their crimes. Understandably they don't want to relive those horrifying events that brought them there and many more sad stories revolving around their families.) And then for Majid to show me his whole report... made me feel like that special friend who has been confided to. It made me respect him. When you look back at the times when it was difficult for you to confess your mistakes/shortcomings this candid conversation with Majid only made him admirable! How many of us have the guts to admit the flaws in us? How many of us can go to our loved ones now and tell them the actual truth?
Here was a man showing remorse. He didn't intend to kill those 2 people. All the same he doesn't deny that that doesn't make him a murderer deserving punishment. He only urges us all to see and acknowledge that he is a human being who earnestly tries every moment to keep improving. I looked at his resume again. I recollected his discussion on Civil Rights in the first meeting that I mentioned. I gasped!
Suddenly I realized that I was in the presence of a man far greater than I am. Have you ever felt a sinking feeling when you realize that what you believed about yourself was not true? To the society I am supposed to be the better individual right? He is supposed to be the evil of the society right? And yet when I saw what he made of the little that life offered him, I couldn't look at myself with the same pride any more.
Thank you, Majid, for showing me who the greater man was. You are a prisoner. Yet you dwarfed me hands down!
