Myth Ya Right! Awards

Thank you all for the encouragement of our efforts to put up what was Mithya's biggest production so far!

Personally I feel a big void in life because there is nothing to do. (Of course there is work, there are chores, activities here and there, but NO Practice! No time to while away anymore!) It is upsetting! For about 40 days or more the Mithya group has been involved in coming together and put up a play as serious, as intense and as big as this one. Is there any wonder, then, that there should be many memories attached to this play?

Now, I may write a mushy narrative of experiences during the play in future but for now, here is my tribute to all those involved in the play. I'll call them Myth Ya Right! Awards - more for the contortion of the original word than for lack of better names like Awards... (Only some find a mention but that is only because of my frequent interaction with them.)

The award for best:

Lighting: Saptarshi Bandyopadhyay - Not as much for stage lights and related labor as for displaying a kid-like glint in his eyes when he found a trolley on which he could stand and move about. Together with Sonal Mithal he successfully blared strong lights into everyone's eyes. No surprise then that he'd done something to cause the audiences to have tears in their eyes. At the sets he'd often climb up the ladder at the drop of a hat to stand right next to intense lights. He'd then pick a person to talk to, call him/her, the person would look up, and... well... profanity would follow!
His dedication to serious work would come to the fore when someone would mention food! From that mention to the time food was with him, he'd be serious about work. Then he'd get back to his buffoonery, often sounding like Sourav Ganguly!


Music: Ganesan, Nachiket and Usman - for successfully preparing actors and cue masters for SNAFUs or bloopers on stage. It was only one day before the actual play that they realized they weren't composing for a spoof. Until then they'd take turns to deliberately mistime the sound cues. It wasn't until the last show that everyone realized how much that helped the actors develop a knack for maintaining calm in the event of an actual F&&& up! Must be geniuses! About the music pieces, Usman was stunned to learn that he wasn't composing for Coke Studio or Atif Aslam's latest album!

Cue Manager (sound and light box): Sonal Mithal - After auditioning people for that role she only thought it morally improper to take up the lead role. So she decided to be the production manager. (Besides no one had the patience to appease Mithya's president should she fuss and cry over something!) One of the key hands behind making the Uncle look shabby, she'd not suggest a rockstar kind of costumes for the uncle! If the music and light folks were not bungling, it was Sonal who'd deliberately mislead Jay and others. That explains the nothing that was done on the first day the theater was handed to Mithya! Her fascination for fancy equipment overcame her and she used that whole day to play her version of PS3! Together with Saptarshi she'd create the occasional halos around actors under the pretext of faulty equipment!

Cue Master: Jay Chheda - For bungling Uncle Vinay's cues until even the final dress rehearsal. Sources say that he did that deliberately to have my on-stage presence to as minimum a time as possible! Sources also say that the director suggested this. After the award, I re-christen him to "Q (Kyu)Master?" He also gets the award for best backstage management because he had a very Old Parsi Pappa look a la Munnabhai MBBS! Some actors claim to have heard him say to himself between cues "Rani to pappani!" An actor complained in private that Jay's hastening between scenes nearly caused a dressing blooper that'd have caused nightmares to the on-lookers. Esp Mala Kathhhri!Also nominated and nearly won the award for Mr Consistent performer for having mimed Paperwallahs gay actions on all 3 shows from behind the stage! He only lost the award because he lost control of the backstage crew every time he did that. (Hard to get people to work when they're rolling on their stomachs!)

Make-up artist/Shadow actress: Sarah Brown - for working hard on make-up and doubling up as backstage crew as well as shadow of Mala! Her skills were more in the way she disguised her nervousness to show Mala's shyness/discomfort and reluctance at the psychiatrist's office! Rumors have it that she was the brain behind what is accepted as the Asst Director's master stroke of tiring/stressing the actors! She had minimum work to do then, but maximum credit for the make-up. Her item dances during practices earned her the sobriquet of "Gulaabon". Her ability to learn fast was demonstrated through her quick usages of un-parliamentary words in Hindi! Gulaabon delicately lent herself to the production work too. Or so she made people believe! No one realized her scheme of pointing to her shadow appearance as a reason for not doing much work. An actor under conditions of anonymity confessed that Gulaabon would just sit in the blue light backstage. He shudders at the thought of being revealed to her, lest he gets to hear her full range vocabulary in Hindi!

Publicity: Namita Narain and Ankit Chandra - Former (Namita) for bullying the actors into submission during interviews. But just when the actors realized they were being bullied, she'd sugar coat them with compliments and assurances to be natural on the cam. Flatter them with "You guys are amazing! I was always a tree in plays!" Word has it that she had to work on her bullying skills when despite all her efforts, there was a great turn-out for all 3 shows. We had to do something about the extra people that wanted to be let in... Her bullying worked wonders to hush up one actor who'd refuse to give up on his gimmicks! Always the one to add fire to fuel, she'd assure (false assurance) "setting up" between 2 people any time!

The latter (Ankit) more for publicizing his singing than directing all traffic to the latest play in the blog site until just the day before the 1st show. His altruism and efforts behind the stage were manifest in how he'd lend himself to the Asst Director as a favorite punch bag! His best contribution to publicity was to get his girlfriend to fly in from Pittsburgh. At the least that worked... His best production work was in getting food and thereby keeping perpetually hungry beings like Saptarshi interested in the play!

Director: Radha Venkatagiri - For being the Sonia Gandhi for her puppet (Sibin Mohan)! Her charm worked its way to new comers, one of whom would occasionally claim Radha to be his fiance instead of Radhika!
Also gets the award for assisting with the make-up (read: scrubbing faces and eyelids to redness/soreness). The important inspiration from her for everyone came when shed narrate fictitious tales of how she'd not get high at all and that she'd drink 10 shots and sue the liquor maker for making flavored water!

Assistant Director: Sibin Mohan - for his masterpiece when he came up with the idea to make the whole thing look natural. He is a Neo-director trying to make his mark but boy! His ploy to tire the headlights out of 2 actors such that they actually appear and act old (also tired) seemed to work wonders. Friends of the 2 actors who sat in the audience couldn't recognize them even days after the last show!
The stress was working on Mala Cuttery too except that Sibin, smartly, would pat her shoulder assuring that she was the best actress he ever worked with! It didn't work on Deepak because his mind was always on Hookah, Shayari and Liquor, not on the play! His best contribution was during those days that he wasn't in town for the practices!
He reportedly went on record saying that this was going to be his last play as a director. Pity the newcomers took that as a carrot tied to a stick. If only they'd known that that was what he mentioned last time too. The straight face that he puts it with often made onlookers think that he was Mithya's best actor so far!

Versatile actor: Mohin Khushani - for his versatile roles. His Looney Tunes-esque portrayal of the paperwallah, Sarkar-esque portrayal of the Barista and and Drunken-man-who-ain't-knows-the-difference-between-beer-and-wine portrayal of the Waiter wasn't what earned him the award. It was not even for his butt-thrusting a la Saurav Ganguly! His award was for wooing and accepting his co-star (a change from his days when he'd shudder at the thought of being seen with girls), for pretending to study for a fictitious exam when help was needed backstage and for his publicity interview. In fact the meaty part of his role was when he successfully held his chuckle and tried to seriously say that the person playing the Uncle was his favorite actor. To this day no one bought that, but hey he convinced himself! That is quality acting...

Junior artist/ Backstage intern: Dhruv Mehta - After his raunchy back massaging dance he'd slip into the production crew's dress code with more fuss than even Charlie Sheen could create! Dopey dance with wannabe accent seems to be the thing with Junior artists. They also refuse to share a dressing mirror/chair. He started the Junior Artists' rebellion in the dressing room but quietly led it from behind the Doofus-faced Khushani! Khushani would bark vehemently about how difficult it was to sit on a fellow Junior artist's lap during make-up etc. He'd create a ruckus in the dressing room, and when outside it, he'd look to show his non-existent cricketing prowess! Renuka, the jewelry designer and Nachiket's wife, held more sharp catches than Dhruv and Khushani put together!

Mr Nice guy/ soft spoken actor award: Aviral Jain - Coming from the village of La Mart-in-here he was always raised to leave enough room for the audience interpret the play in their own way! Very good practice except when it comes to saying one's dialogues so softly that the audience cannot hear anything, thereby leaving no choice but to imagine/extrapolate those lines!
His only line in the play (he used often) that made sense and men could readily associate with and feel ever so emotional about was "What do you mean? This just doesn't make sense!" (said with a gawky expression...)
The nice guy bit is for promising intoxicants to the lead actresses but never doing it. Chivalry indeed! Sources suspect the low-voice-syndrome in the play was because of repeated stress of the throat (read gasp+gulp) every time he saw Strawberries & Cream in action (read Girl-on-girl)!
He definitely helped keep everyone's moral high by plugging in earplugs and listening to random stuff instead of reciting Shayaris or narrating stories from Luck-No or La Marts! (In which case it gave Sonal - Aviral's best audience - an excuse to not work despite her not needing one.)

Actress/Glamdoll: Nisha Somnath - Every actor/actress in a given famous movie has a famous thing noted in it. Dharmendra for his "Yamla Pagla" dance and "Basanti in kutton ke saamne..." Amitabh for "Mera baap chor hai" Raj Kapoor for his right palm to the audience, light nod and Bambi eyes saying something like "Ok ji", Al Pacino's dance in "Scent of a woman", Yana Gupta's "Babuji" song.
Our Nisha has done it all. She oozed oomph through her high heels. That was the single major factor for her glamdoll tag. Her gait changed greatly with her skimpy and tight outfits, but not more than with the heels. A candid man in the audience wrote in his feedback, "Dear Mithya, all was ok! I loved everything about the play! But must you really have a horse to transport crew and actors from one side of the stage to the other?"
Her method acting must be lauded. She deliberately estranges her real life chemistry with her onstage mother and uncle so as to give her best performance. So what if despite that she couldn't act.
Her most noted lines/words in the play - "Eh! Did my scene with Spurr-tee come out well? I think it fell flat!"
"But how am I acting?" "Ehh I am not doing it well. Maybe you should find a better actress!" (Sibin's integrity was put to maximum test every time Nisha asked him for feedback on her acting. Best Director indeed!)
Words that really moved/reduced the co-actors to tears, "Deii! You are Deid! There is no Llleww for me! Lizzen!" (for Die! You are dead! There is no love for me! Listen!) (from sitting on chair to ROTFL, i.e.)

Upcoming star/Stacey's mom: Spurti Akki - for integrating her on-stage character into real life behavior. Every time a co-actor would ask her for coffee she'd readily peruse her lines from the play, "Huh? (and look lost)" Her peak acting was when she'd be upset over not being allowed to go to her "lab". (At the rate at which she was claiming things about her lab and/or work she should got either a Nobel Prize or an Oscar!)
Her portrayal of Mala's mother beat "Stacey's mom" by miles! People went gaga over her - not as much for her graceful looking saree as much for her impressions of old actresses in old songs.
Nisha's lines may or may not make her famous, but this starlet's lines "It is going to rain ALL NIGHT!" said no less than a million times by now will occupy the Mithya billboards for eons to come! In a given play her frustration (at the weather forecast not being heeded to) building up each time she said the line was impressive and definitely what made audiences go back home with a moral of the story! Last heard from sources, she was considering a career switch. She wants to replace Ravi Shastri as a cliche generator! (Both lines from the play and outside of it!)
She's taken to stardom like a Royal pig takes to a dirty sty! Last seen on the streets she was throwing tantrums about a spoon not being at the precise temperature in a restaurant and that it was hard for her to maintain her schedules with so many people interrupting her for autographs!

Best actress overall: Who said you needed to be on stage or in the whole movie to act? Anthony Hopkins won Oscar for a short duration in the film! Radhika is our such example. She went a step ahead. As an actor that never appeared, she mixed her emotions in an inimitable manner - romance, anger, catwalk, understanding and sharing & caring nature, etc!

Special thanks: Mehul Thakkar - for making his involvement with this play a minimum. With the feedback from the play and with more ideas, he is sure he can do better at that!

Yawn beginning to long weekend

You'd imagine people in authoritative public service positions won't be frivolous to have whims and fancies. Serious ambitions, normally acceptable hobbies - yes! You could let them have those.

What really doesn't gel well with my philosophy on life is to start construction work at the beginning of a long weekend, or even at the end of it. And NO! Leaving materials from construction strewn doesn't count as sane. This tendency must stop. Can there not be, in the name of all that is human and Godly, better planning which leads to most work done way before a long weekend starts so that by friday afternoon, for example, good intentioned vacationers can peacefully and assuredly plan their trips?

For a stretch of not less than 30 miles was there traffic which would often come to a standstill. Now certainly it cannot be that vacationers planning to go to place A suddenly change lanes to get on the route to place B. One or two may do it, but all cannot b doing it.

Are the authorities listening or are they waiting for some such victim of traffic to write about it and then secretly snigger after reading it?
@Security check officials - What does a fellow do if he missed his flight due to whatever outlandish reasons but gets a boarding pass for early hours the next day? Just sit outside randomly somewhere? Why won't you just check him in and let him be there in the terminal somewhere, where he can dine, wine & whine and rest!

@O'Hare folks - why won't you have some good eating joints in airport premises for those unlucky souls who haven't been let into the lounge area by the security officials? Maybe it is time you open up to a business idea?

It is said great ideas come from a necessity. This comes from someone who missed a flight after driving about 150 miles. The last 50 of them were surely frustrating.

This message is for parents - I am sure each of you would love for your children to be up there! Please encourage your children in not only fine arts but also coarser arts. Arts that include formation of new words without fear of being labeled rebellious or blasphemous. This helps cut down crime. Consider this. You have a flight to catch in 20 min and you are about 15 min away and the traffic is moving at the rate at which an annual snail marathon would proceed! You could do with innovative words to express your emotions and vent your negative energy. Without this, your child may actually misbehave on the roads and cause accidents!

I regret my mom didn't teach me particularly good abusive words to start building upon. Fortunately she has a smart son who can surprise himself with his creativity! Something good came out of missing my flight, you'd say!!!

And now I have to plan how to sleep in this not so cozy chairs here... Mommy! I need more words!!!

Almighty customer care center

"All right, will someone stand up and take responsibility, now?" Was all I could ask." For the whole day, I had my ID/Access card in my pocket and I was searching for it everywhere except in it. Then when I looked for it in the pocket in the morning, I didn't find it. I went to office preparing myself for limiting bladder discharge in the day. Every visit needed Access card to get back into my office. I forgot that I kept it in my pocket like a programmed machine. It just didn't register. I thought I was forgetful and so must've forgotten to put the card in the pocket. So much for self-confidence!
On this day, that I called  a call center already, sorting out a cellphone bill (I apparently spoke for a good 1100 min (not so good with the amount it cost me) in daytime during that month and 1100 or more on nights and weekends!) I could have done with another.
So here is another 1-800 number that I'd like to call now. Picture something like this...
1-800-COOL-GOD-4-U : "Hi! Welcome to God's customer service center.  Press 2 for Spanish! {Pause}
{Continuing in English} To make a request (prayer) press 1. For divine support press 2. For other options please press 3. For thanksgiving press 9999999999! (Hardly used option! So much so, even God is skeptical it happens...)"
I pressed 3. An auto-voice said, "Your call may be monitored for quality purposes."
"Hi I am an angel, how may I help you?"
"Hi, this is, uhhmm, Varun. I wish to talk to someone who could help explain why I am dumb."
"Oh that is grievance cell. Currently there are a 6999999998 people who are on line. Please wait while we transfer you there."
"What! That's just 2 short of the world population! Who are those 2 kind souls who are saving me some time?"
"Uhhmm! Those would be Rajnikanth and Tom Cruise, sir!"
"Aaahhhh! I should've known", I thought!
After much wait, my call was attended to.
"Hi I am calling to find out why I am so dumb? Rather, so absent-minded?"
"For security purpose, sir, could you verify your date of birth for us?
"Dec 30th 1984"
"Thank you! And your caste?"
"What??? Why would YOU need my caste?"
"We're trying to adopt the Indian political systems. What with India Shining and all... Besides, Ayodhya thing finally being resolved slowly over eons!!! You know that's how God likes to do things - slowly but assuredly!"
"So, are God, Allah and Shiva, Vishnu, and the gang all different? They are all friends up there, at least, I hope!"
"Ok sir, that confirms that you indeed are dumb! We need no further security verification! Please hold a moment while we pull up your records!"
{What! I thought that was everyone's question! Why am only I dumb? Oh well, that is what I was supposed to get sorted out anyway!}
"Sir, we have your records pulled up. Since it is a lot of data, would you like to ask specific questions?"
"Sure! Why am I absent-minded? For example..."
"Sir, we are sorry! There was a mistake in your design! You were manufactured in God's Taiwan dept. We thought of a recall, but your head was already out by then... We could credit you though if you..."
"What? Credit?"
"Yeah, like how it happened with your Verizon phone bill? ROTFL. How did you manage that sir? There was no mistake on Verizon's part, though. In our case, we'd like to apologize for our mistake and credit your next life with better stuff."
"So what would that make me?"
"A silicon implant, sir!"
{Sigh!}
"So why exactly am I defective?"
"God was watching Sachin Tendulkar bat..."
"What! Wasn't he just 11 then?"
"Yes, he was musing over his creation and seeing how at that young age he was developing and all! You know, customer feedback and market survey etc?"
"Aaarrrghghghgh!"
"Besides, at about that time there were a lot of cries. Tragedy befell a lot of places. Chernobyl, Bhopal, assassinations, etc. People killed, people praying out of fear. They hardly pray during prosperity, you know! And never for the good of all! For statistics, the most used word in prayers is 'I'."
"So distractions did it all huh!"
"Yes sir! Glad you understand. Is there anything else I could assist you with?"
"Is there nothing else that could be done now?"
"You are a goof! Be happy. Your goofiness is a source of entertainment for people."
"Not for my mom, for example!!!"
"Well, your records show that in your absence, she giggles about it. Your aunts do that too. In future they'll tell your children stories of your dumbness!"
"Thanks for driving it in!"
"To help yourself, sir, maybe you should try smart things, like not playing cricket when you haven't yet recovered from your fractured thumb!"
"I love that game!!!"
"And so you let it systematically disintegrate you? Sir, we could escalate this problem higher up but at this point I must warn you, that further inquiries would have a negative impact on your Credit history in the US."
"I'm not surprised! Is there anything in the world or in the universe that can actually boost up your credit history rather than damage it?"
"None that we know of, sir! Only Osama bin Laden and such minded people are exempt. They can get away doing all that they want. Only Iraq, Iran and innocent lives are threatened always!"
"I observed that the evil get to live richly and nicely. No worries. Isn't it supposed to not work that way?"
"Sir, we are bringing up upgrades and enhancements to our systems. It is slated to be in future after Kali Yuga. You could stay subscribed to our updates for INR 200000 per month."
"No thanks! But I am curious you take INR?"
"That's the in thing sir. Nothing with $$$ these days. We're hoping for India Shining and all but it needs entrepreneurs and all. We all know people only talk and do nothing except post videos on FB about Glorious India! People like you should tighten up and aim high. That will at least earn you more credit than to be just a silicon implant in the next birth!"
"Can I not be a writer?"
"And just torture more people? Aren't we talking about making the world a better place to live in?"
"Oh! So I need more improvement in my writings then?"
"You're getting there... Already some improvement in understanding words. Now clean the wax in your ears sir. In most of your friends' prayers, we record 2 common problems - 1: Why doesn't he hear properly? 2: Someone make him eat fast! At least 1 morsel an hour! Is there anything else I could assist you with?"
"Thank you, nothing for now."
"Thank you for your time, and sleep tight, cause 'you look wonderful tonight...' Hah hahaha! Just kidding. We love Clapton in here!"
"Eric Clapton and all! Thanks good night!!"

By the way...

My status update on Facebook evoked some expected reactions. Some were unexpected. Now that's perhaps my current state of mind that makes those unexpected...
So here as the original status "Caution: A right thumb fracture and a surgery on it can make you walk and behave like a pregnant woman!"
Of course it is difficult to believe it could be that awkward, but then take my word, it is that way!
Why, one may ask, should one take my word? Because I am suffering and also, before the surgery I could move about normally even using the rest of my fingers easily.

So here are some of the thoughts that came to my mind as I was trying to answer people's questions! First up, the justification behind my status message:
Please note that I meant every word of it. That doesn't necessarily mean I experienced both sides of the comparison! But then you needn't die in front of an oncoming train to know you'll die if you stand up against a train!

Common behavior between a pregnant woman and Varun (tempted to speak in 3rd person. Makes self-jesting that much easier...):
1 - Walks very slowly and carefully as if to try not to disturb the balance in the universe!
2 - Feels like sleeping and resting more.
3 - Feels hungry more than normal and when sits to eat, loses apetite!
4 - Temper tantrums? Ummm maybe that explains why I talk lesser than normal?
5 - Morning sickness? That is almost everyday (surgery or not). I am not a mornings person!
6 - Putting on weight (my face looks the broadest ever, now)!

Common expressions one may hear from Varun (tempted to speak in 3rd person) these days that one also may have heard a pregnant woman use:
1 - Ouch!
2 - I feel like puking!
3 - I feel it is moving!!!
4 - Look! It is moving!!!
5 - It is pushing!
(3, 4 & 5 refer to what I feel about my thumb inside the cast. Won't mention what 3, 4 & 5 mean for a pregnant woman! :p )

As the curtains draw on my Chicago episode...

... the show must go on.

Nothing changes. Maybe a few bedbugs that had erstwhile lived on my blood may die. Although I feel sorry for those lives, there is not a lot I could do. I believe that if I survive, I could always feed many more bugs that'd black-cat me. (Refer to my prev blog post for what I mean by Black-cat.)

Tina (my landlady) may not have to look out and see if there is Varun loitering around in the front yard or back yard before going out. Assuredly she can go about her chores/ walks without having to forcibly participate in conversations struck by me.
Vinay can, without scruples, go about watching movies and TV, partying about the place, guzzle tons of rice at one go (even become a Vodka distributor, maybe) and do anything he wishes to and Varun will not criticize him. Vaibhav can pretend to be an angel that he is not for all he cares. Will Varun be able to find out? Nope! Pavan can continue his daily mad-scientistry at UIC for another 3 years without worrying that someone would point fingers at his ways of daily life. Konark will lose out on not much. He won't have to worry about someone reminding him that Chicago may not be the best place for an Electrical Engineer like him. The only loss is losing one of the fellows who'd discuss life at Wipro!

Saahithi will surely be the most relieved of all people. The 'egoistic', 'proud' and 'boastful' Varun will not be around to make her life look ordinary. Sapna won't have a lightly flirtatious guy trying to make a gazillion trip plans for a group of which, eventually, only a 10% may materialize. The more recent close friends in Bhavani, Smruthi, Ryan will surely miss Varun but will also have ways of finding themselves easier and more fun friends than him. (It is not all that easy to replace the fun that the duo of Babbaii and Raingod can provide!) Nisha, Sruthi and Sacheeta will be spared of the ordeal of Varun and his aura! No one to breathe down her neck claiming that her sister is the prettiest in the world :p; no one to call her 'jaanemann' and try to make her smile; no one to comment on the 1-D body and her cuteness/prettiness. Pranali will miss 'someone' at all but the kind of person she is, she will have plenty of overwriting people. Teja (Miss Warangal) will no longer be able to have a guy trying to recollect which beautiful actress she resembles - perenially!

Pushkar and Venkat are safe already because they left Chicago for their work. Now how does this affect my personal life? I have not much clue except that my pockets will start getting regularly filled. I am happy to get started with this new phase of life. It let's me not only survive but also thrive and be able to spend time in future with friends - as opposed to theoretically staying in Chicago "forever" (romantic yet cruelly impossible).


On the flip side of this all, moving to Champaign can so easily be pushed away as "Oh he is not going really far!" I already had almost everyone say it. My wisdom and experiences tell me that that is the first sign of readiness to let go off! Presence, companionship, memories, ... etc! Everyone thinks, "Oh he is always gonna be around!" I'd think, "I can always make it to any party, meeting or plan..." At this moment I'd neither support nor refute this half-developed theory. I'd be glad to have as many people as possible to have fond memories of me! (Oh wait! I am not yet dying! :D )
I'd enjoy a bye-bye call or visit.

PS: The grievances, due to Varun, of some of the people who black-catted him are greatly understated. Some or all of the specimen have a truckload of complaints on him. But then hey! What good is it having yet another bland acquaintance!

Parting shots:
So what, one may ask, are Chicago/UIC going to lose by the moving out of Varun?
Possible statistics will reveal improvements in:
1) Average height of humans in Chicago.
2) Average strands of hair per square-inch of scalp.
3) Average sanity level in general.
4) Average speed of eating a meal.
5) Number of inquisitive and question-mark expressions.

There will be a reduction in:
1) number of adventurists/triers in the city.
2) number of Walking-enthusiasts.
3) number of movie-critics, esp those movies by Tom Cruise and his kin (acting-wise). (Oh how horrible agonizingly painful it is to watch his movies. I'd rather watch our native - Rajnikanth's - movies than Tom Cruise's!)
4) average beer consumption in the city/ university.
5) number of odd jokes which get a "I don't know what that was about..." reaction!

Again not an exhaustive list, but then the idea was to have some parting shot at all... Adios friends! Adios UIC! Adios Chicago!

More sheep in sheep van

I decided there had to be a sequel. Why every famous/great movie has sequels! So the itch to write a sequel was always there. Cutting the flab, here is the flesh! Characters commonly black-catting the paths of members of 918 S Claremont are being presented. (I am - I guess - the first one to use this term. So let me claim credit to having coined the term - 'black-catting' - after the way they're known to cross paths. No! Not unwelcome! But never mind...) So when you are stuck with some of the terms/names etc refer to this article

Konark Upadhyay:

Nickname: Bhopaali, Goo-padhyay

Indian Name: The one who can't ever make up his mind for nuts. [(Well, you could also wonder if he ever could make up his mind for nuts!!! Also "Mind OR Nuts?" is a question he'll be baffled about!) Don't even get to "Why did the chicken cross the road?" kind of questions. It'll take as much time for him as it would for a toddler to recite Theory of Relativity!]

The world's most gullible man!

A brief history: He was all set to be the world's smartest guy in Bhopal! Then Bhopal gas tragedy happened. Those fumes rewired his circuitry. So not only is he dumb, but he also doesn't try to hide it. Probably that's why he can't be anything but gullible.

Often heard exclaiming: "Huttttt!" "Teri aisi ki taisi!" "Bhaaaiiindiiiii" (Okra/ Lady's fingers) (Euphemism for humble opinions on ones sister) "Ewwmwmmmwmwmw" <--- You have to utter that by widening your lips while keeping them closed and make a grinning sound like a kid does when he is satisfied upon licking his favorite icecream.

Believes in: "Ain't no shit!" and "Life's a beach (another misleading euphemism)" both of which were inspired by the times the author and him roamed about the streets of Chicago (UIC side) as newly-landeds in USA. He was newly-wed with Vinay though.

Best man: Being a one-man-for-life kinda guy, he swears by Chinta's bed (or love)! So the actual best man for their wedding would be either the author or McPuss. Will readily believe and agree with him.

Never known for: Picking up phones at first attempts. Believing that there is more to USA than Chicago. Picking up someone his size. (Ask Nisha - refer below - a new recruit who is trained in abusive Hindi words by him for free. And he never speaks expletives in front of us guys!!!) Agreeing to a plan at the first go.

Best memories: His fights for girls. The very famous fight with the author to compete to take a girl (Dream :p) out on date will always be something to chuckle at. Diwali night when the author, rice-guzzler and Bhopali were the only ones dressed in Indian-wear and together looked like 3 apes.

If McPuss is the one to get thrashed by everybody at 918 S Claremont and if McPuss were to think he was the only victim, then he only need to look at this Felix-the-cat-like-looking-fellow to feel superior. Even Pushkar can thrash him verbally!

Caution (to women): Known to weaken knees with his cuteness. (That is, until he opens his mouth/mind!)

Currently: Not able to decide between... "Chicago OR Chicago?" (That's tough too) and "Girl A or Girl A?"

Saahithi Gunda:

Indian name: One who, if acted, as her last name suggests, then life would be called a spoof! One who can beat Konark in indecisiveness! One who is the last one to get ready for any trip. One who has a cat-walk way of swaying not only her hips but also her words.

The way she stretches every word and pulls it apart, she'd take a light year (make that light-many-years) to to convey even a "Hello" Come to think of it, it should be evident from how she spells her name with 'aa'!

Nickname: Saa, Saasweet (LMAO what an email ID)

Often seen: At the epicenter of 'aa' and 'aaarrrrghghg' and 'yeeooowww' from a single person or a group of people in reaction to her presence or her jokes.

Her brother-by-choice (Black-ticket-seller Chinta) is known to have begun praying for the peace and sanity of the one who'd marry her. Such is the shudder that the thought is supposed to evoke in any man considering marrying her.

Funniest when: She speaks Hindi. Not that her native Telugu would make the listener get serious about life and philosophy! Her wannabe chat lingo and spellings attract all sort of mockery from Varun. Has an amazing success rate with misplacing aiches (Uttering an 'h' sound when there isn't one! Mainly when attempting Hindi...) "Thuu khhyaa khar raa ain"<--- "Tu kya kar raha hain?" The rate at which she can successfully swap h's can put to shame a mosquito flapping its wings!

Best feature: Her dimples. (Not the ones in her brain, but actual dimples on her cheeks. Ok! It is A DIMPLE on A CHEEK! For all the ambiguity in most of her language, she insists on being clear about her dimple.)

Fairly often uses: "Aba chaa!" ('Yeah right' in Telugu.) (Keeps whining about something or the other!)

Determined to/Aim in life is to: Take inquisitiveness to another level. That is, to ask irrelevant questions at the wrong time and make sure to ask questions when all she should be doing is to get ready quickly and join the rest of us to some place/restaurant/temple.

Shruti Eravelli (Reddy):

Indian name: One who will not let air waves be filled with peace. (918 people are known to hide away in closets at the sound of her arrival. Esp Pushkar... Very much like people running helter skelter to escape Godzilla!) One who believed that kids were born when 2 people kiss (for a long time).

Nickname: Nautanki, Red-eye

Family traits match with: Her brother-by-choice - Konark - in how dumb/gullible (D&G) one could be. Chinta and Varun told her many cock-and-bull stories in the first few weeks of their acquaintance. Somewhere her rebel traits overtook. She grew out of that phase (D&G) faster than her brother and Saahithi. She is also proud of the fact that she was a good kid, not a nuisance and entertained herself while her parents were getting married. (Her question to her mom asking why she wasn't there in their wedding pics was thus successfully answered by her mom. Smart lady! Knew how to shut her daughter without more embarrassing questions being asked.)

Loves to: Embarrass guys. Has taken ass-crack pics of an open-minded and equally open-jeans-ed Babbaaiii. Trample over a sleeping Pushkar. And then trample over his remains. Burst out into peels of laughter (this could be in conjunction with 2 previous activities or independently). Ask "Am I looking fat!" and not listen to any answer at all. Mess around with Facebook names of Babbaaiii Roxxx!

Her determination to do well in life is revealed in how she earnestly begged the 918 S C guys to slap her and stop her if she over-drank the next time.

Her Telugu or wannabe Telugu is what makes a listener believe that it is worth living another day just to hear her speak. After all, what is life without a good dose of laughter and fun and mockery!

Metaphysical Features: A gentle lisp to her speech and can any day be flattered by calling her "Kareena Kapoor". That, I believe, would come with an expiry date. Don't try this 10 years later!

Exclaims: "Maarungi haan!" "Nautanki hai tu!" "What man!" and singing songs here and there tid-bits of songs and dancing to them. "Kaminey!"

Can join Pavan's club of "Iron-y man" for: Being ironical. For all the open messages she has for Chinta, she would get cautious and ask people to not post simple friendly pictures on Facebook (Esp St Patrick's day)!

Nisha Joshi:

Indian name: The one who plays Holi with her eyelids every occasion (She wears some thick layer of color on her eye lids - pink, aqua and what not). The one who says, 'whatever' whatever number of times.

Nickname: Nissssssaaaaaaaaa! Nasha! Pushkar!

Lesser known facts about her: Is pretty surely with a very pretty smile, but has an even prettier sister!

Commonly known fact about her: Has a boyfriend. Every new acquaintance is made to go through a drill-like "I have a boyfriend!"

Gets buzzed at even a whiff of alcohol. People wonder if excess Pepsi might not make her inebriated! Extremely sportive and fairly jovial. More than that, it is perhaps a resignation to the fact that she has no choice but to endure all the leg-pulling. Is smart and picks up jokes quickly and retaliates as much as possible.

Common laments: "You guys are weird!" (Mainly towards 918 S C guys and Konark. Has even a stuttering Pavan imitating that line of hers... More fun than watching a hilarious spoof is the face-off between Druggist Pavan and Intoxicated (Nasha) Nisha. Both imitate and mock each other providing ample entertainment to Poor Indian Graduate students who can't afford the latest iPod!)

Aberrations: Fastest girl to agree to plans. Fastest girl to get ready at all. Beats 1-hour-beauty-bath taking Muscle-man Vaibhav by a good 1 hour! Oh in fact everyone can beat him. Even Saahithi can, in taking a quick bath!

Capable of: Making Chinta stop his work and listen to her even if he is chatting with his best friend online or watching some movie or eating rice! Making Pushkar realize how unromantic he can get (yet with a reminder, "I have a boyfriend, ok?")!

The last mentioned is a new recruit into the team of other sheep - very sweet and endearing!

There could be more coming soon but parts 1 and 2 (prev and this article) should be the essence of my great times at Chicago. 2 blog posts cannot do complete justice to the warmth I feel about these sheep. However, as the curtains fall on my "Chicago Episode" I wish to document at least this much.

Also, as it happens, today is Shruti's Birthday. So this, if she agrees to accept, is her Birthday gift from me.

Darling? No! Please kill me!

This is one of my popular topics.

Do you really want to punish a person? People of all ages. No hassle, no physical efforts.
Only expenditure = ticket cost at a movie place near you, battling long lines of eager audience. Best of all, your hands don't get dirty. The torture is not obvious.

So when I want to torture my friend (and not enemy, for some reason) I would buy him a ticket to a Telugu movie. * - yes all disclaimers at the end of the post!

Latest one = Darling
Sounds like a romantic movie that could move many a heart. But then that's where an average movie director from this land proves to you that he can work as a spy/intelligence person/conman etc.
So is it a mystery movie? A bit. Is it a crime movie? A bit. Scary movie? A bit. How all these? Answers follow in my effort to lay down as in a scientific analysis. <--- (1)

It starts with a song picturized on the hero. (In movies from here there are no actors. Only heroes and superheroes.) The hero sings and dances with his bunch of local sidekicks to celebrate their graduation from the college. Nothing wrong with a bit of fantasy. Agreed!

At the end of the song, hero's junior confesses her feelings for him and proposes to him. (Errr! When did this start happening?) Perhaps she fell for his pink vest and amazing fashion sense. Ohhh and not to forget - his half shaven body hair! A fetish for tickly and prickly hair perhaps!

Hero rejects! Girl attempts suicide! Awwwwww! I couldn't stop my tears... No! Not for the mush or for the sorry state of the girl. Yawns so intense and resulting from extreme irritation/boredom, get tears out of my eyes!

Girl's father is then shown in his introduction scene as a man who hates traitors! (Who doesn't? And yet there were regular cliches. Regular killing of a traitor. Attempted patriotism when he stops the traitor jabbering excuses/justifications in English saying, "To express feelings you don't need English, Telugu is good enough!" I was moved... (Not by the patriotism, but by the numbness of my butt to change my posture.) I was touched... (By my non-Telugu speaking friend Nisha, poking to ask me to translate what he just said.)

At this point, (Hardly 5 min into the movie) I am so irritated that 3 of us walk out to buy something to eat. Looks like a great mafia, this! They produce horrible movies. So people get frustrated and go out to snack in the theatre's cafetaria. There, they have snacks with prices as much as monthly grocery bills would come up to. All in all, a great business model.

Next, the upset villain/father of that sick-tasted girl vows to kill the hero for upsetting his daughter. If I were the father, I'd have killed my daughter for attempting suicide for such a gay-dressed gu(a)y! Anyway she wanted to die, right?

Hero narrates a coo-chi-coo, mushy story of "How I met your daughter's competitor" with all the humor, emotions, drama, violence that he can conjure up in less than 1/1000th of the time that comedy series narrate their stories of how a guy met his child's mother! Enter a bombshell in Swiss backdrop.

Apparently the hero met her when on a music tour/competition. Yeah why should there be a surprise. It is as easy to pluck the strings of a guitar as it is to bite your nails these days! So, minus all the technical details, the story with all its twists and turns and vicissitudes is being narrated. Hero's group makes loss with the musical concert not materializing. So the organizer confiscates the passports of group, promising to return, upon making up for the loss.

The guys overhears the girl telling her story of previous night and then upon meeting her, chooses his first move as "I can read faces." (Yeah! For the nincompoop that you look, you'd better at least read faces if not good books to improve your common sense!) He narrates all that he overheard, convincing the girl that he is a pro at it. She always kept her face covered after that, to avoid being told what color her undies were today. (One should believe that there are such easy girls available for the taking! And I was thinking dogs are dumb and gullible!)

The guy shows no interest in practising. He spends all his time trying to woo the girl so much that the girl gives in to his pink t-shirts, tube-tops and tank-tops, leather stocking-like stuff that vamps wear on top of tracks, half shaved body hair and effeminating dance moves. (There is no room for those who wonder, what kind of friends are those that don't care about a non-participating member. You shouldd be too sick to be asking those questions, apparently.)

The heroine, with every scene adds to her ooommmphphph factor, but no matter what she did in the movie, the most womanly was the hero himself! He acted like a girl more than the over-acting girl herself. The over-acting heroine is eager to bend over, bend down, jump around etc for no reason. All this is to show, perhaps, that the girl is happy-go-lucky.(There is no normal acting girl in Telugu movies. Only flesh showing, dumb doll-like girls. Breathing Barbies, you could call them. Come to think of it, I always wondered what they meant by, "I want to do a role of substance. A meaty role! Yeah, this one passes the test because she does show her meat!)

The tick of approval is placed on the hero, by the heroine, when the hero fights 1000000000 people single handedly (as he did when the suicide-girl's father sends 99999999 goondas to kill the hero. He furtively fought every goonda that time. Now he openly bashed up every goonda - male/female!) Oh sure it does take a lot to fight local goondas in a foreign land where law is supposed to be strict. But then, it is a narrative...

When the hero walked in rage towards the goonda, one of 2 things happend - 1) There were sparks from his boot. (I knew it! His body was defective. Chromosomes mixed up. And so the electrons were revolting...) 2) There were shockwaves throwing villains off-balance, dislocating their bones. (But I would think the hero bashed up so many only because his cleavage was distastefully distracting and so the goondas couldn't concentrate on counter attack.)

At the end of the narrative, the heroine meets with an accident as she is running towards the hero to hug him. (She was dumb enough to run in the middle of the road and even more to not notice a car coming from behind. Yeah the fellow never honked. He never slowed. Car was quiet, as are faaren (foreign) cars.) The villain-father is reduced to sniffs and tears. He pardons the hero saying that it was "true love" and he understood its value. Given the way the heroine was portrayed, I'd hardly think it was anything more than true lust.

Cut to reality... It was true that the hero loved this heroine. But the narrative was make-believe. How? Well, it so happened that all the characters in the story were real-life inspired. The girl was a childhood sweetheart and a family friend. Hero's father & Heroine's father were diaper-day buddies. Swiss story was just added spice. Yeah, they had to show a faaren locashun! Hero, after fooling the villain-father with a make-believe story, gathers that his love was coming soon to India and so were the other family friends.

Now, everybody converges at the hero's uncle's farmhouse in a beautiful place in Andhra (Araku). There is the usual banter, leg-pulling, jokes which are common to childhood friends and their children. Hero -visualizing those days when all children would be naked/semi-naked and play together - would wish things never changed, literally!

Enter the hero's competitor. Hero was poor in academics! (Aaahhh! Here it was! I knew it right from the beginning looking at his crassy presence on screen and believe it is true of his real life too!) So his father's other friend's son becomes a favorite with heroine's father and even the heroine after some gimmicks like breaking ice-slab, showing 6-pack and beating the hero in a game of basketball. The heroine's younger brother (maybe 6 years of age)- given the age gap - I wonder if there are still people who do family planning the way ancient cavemen did or the way Indian Politicians plan India's growth - is an obstacle to hero's attempts to woo heroine.

Instead the brother aides the competitor, who, despite years of education in Australia, somehow managed to get the exact same number of local, nincompoop looking ass-faced friends with brown dyed hair (looking like muddy carpets) as the hero's group has. (Wow! This coincidence is rarer than that of the 9 planets lining up in the sky!)

So as soon as the competitor lands at the farmhouse, he challenges the hero to a game of basketball and almost every other game. Hero upon seeing that the heroine was cheering the competitor gives up an almost winning game. I would have thought, looking at his constipated expression, that he really quit to go to the loo! The game of rat-race begins between the 2 competitors.

Finally, as has to happen, the hero starts scoring more runs than the competitor. Esp after one incident when the hero bashes up yet another group of local goondas (which launches an attack on the 6-pack, ice-slab breaking competitor) which possibly couldn't bear to see the brightness from the boot-sparks and chest-hair sticking out (like cut creepers seeking sunshine) from his lavender tank tops.

The ungrateful competitor - showing no respect for the gay hero and his bravado - goes to the villain-father-of-the-suicide-girl-fame and tells him how the hero fooled him. Filled with anger, indignation and a determination to finish off the source of possible second-time attraction of his daughter, he takes an army of jeeps filled with animals (Yeah I am positive they were not men!) brandishing swords at the hero. (He is at this point walking away from the gathering in farmhouse, blissfully unaware of vehicles coming onto him. What's with people not realizing where they are walking these days anyway?) He is walking away upon the command of his daddy-dear (a la Lord Rama).

Now somehow in a dramatic unfolding of the plot and mysteries, everyone agrees that:
1) Heroine loves the hero and no one else. (Had to be.)
2) She'd die if betrothed to marry anyone else.
3) Heroine's father and grandfather patch up after a family feud of eons between them. All this because some gibberish led to the eye-opener of grand-pappy. He realized his folly and decides to: a) let his son back in the family b) re-adopt his son's friend (hero's father) c) Let her grand-daughter be happy and gay with a gay of her choice!

Heroine runs out to call back the hero. (Makes me wonder if no one gives a thought to ticket rescheduling/ cancellation and plan changes at the snap of fingers.) She sees that 100000000000000000 men are beating up her lust (Ohhh ummm Love). So what does she do? Here's her meaty-role part. She jumps in between the villain and the hero, pleading him to kill her 1st and then the hero (if indeed the villain must kill the hero). And once again, the tear glands swell up at the mere words and he drops all arms. I would have thought it was bad-breath from the heroine that rendered him helpless.

And the hero ends saying "Don't worry daaaarrrrlingggg! He won't kill us!" with a sheepish grin showing turmeric yellow teeth! (Oh everything about the hero had to be colorful, right?)

Few highlights in the movie: Every one of the side characters had a ridiculous side to him/her (No not humorous! Ridiculous!). There was plenty of attempt to jokes and there were dumb audiences (mainly overgrown women) sitting behind me laughing uncontrollably. Oh maybe it was a cockroach that was crawling inside their clothes.

Heroine's other meaty part was when she delivered a stunning (oh so cliched) speech on India and its values as opposed to Western world and how she hated Switzerland. Oh and guess what immediately followed that patriotic meaty scene? It was a run-around-trees song set in Swiss Alps!!! (The movie makers apparently don't understand "irony" and "direction")

Everyone else, other than the hero, was reduced to mere hand-clapping, over-acting, slap-stick humored buffoons. Hero's normal acting was very intense. I really cried inside my heart everytime he laughed/cracked a 'joke' and laughed everytime he portrayed serious emotions. (So what? They were intense, and so were my reactions.)

The only thing missing in the movie was a rape scene! That would have so made a complete masala movie. I gathered later, that the girls loved the gay acts of the hero so much that they wanted him to take his top off! I, taking courage from the opposite sex, confessed that I had similar hopes from the heroine!

References: (1) - So it really had a bit of everything you see! Mystery being, what the heck is the story about and where the f*** could I find the movie makers to pack them up and send them into orbit?

On a scale of 5 I'd give this movie -500 (negative five hundred<-- just to remove doubt).
I resent,
every cent,
that I spent,
on the movie. Really, I wish I had spent so much on charity instead!

* - I have no disclaimers as a matter of fact. I believe that the one who cannot criticize himself can't improve/evolve. We all know evolution is natural and essential. A clan that can't look at its flaws and appreciate better things is unfit!
I have only one hope from Telugu movie industry. That hope bears the name of Shekar Kammula! I'd recommend non-Telugu folks to not take movies like this as an example! We had good movie skills until even early 1990s. Now with Shekar Kammula, I have hope again!
I also don't think comparing with other language movie standards is a way out because I never compared here. And I don't care if others do horribly. It is my language movies that should lead by example. That is what I want.

Fellow sheep in the sheep van

In a strange land you're shepherding yourself. You find sheep like yourself. What would your reaction be? Relief? You now move together, graze together. What is the feeling? Comfort? You discover a lot about the others, you help each other, you watch out for each other and then live together. What is it called? Happy Sheepy Family!

Here are my fellow sheep with whom I am stuck now!

Vinay Chinta

Facebook name: Babbaii Roxx (LMAO, what a wannabe name)

Indian name (As in American Red Indian): The one who doesn't fear getting run over by a bull or have his balls chewed by a cheetah as much as he fears missing a movie.

Diet: Rice and curd. Will die to be alive to eat these another day! (Daily consumption = 2 to 3). Waist size due to diet = 34.

(Above figures are in quintals and feet).

Commonly seen: Advising or chattering away on Skype/Phone with near and dear ones. On weeknights, seen with Varun and others in some nightclub! His roommates should be awarded something big for enduring his low-waist jeans and his cleavage (rear)! His friends are known to take pictures of it as they take of miracles like Ganesha drinking milk or Monkeyman in Delhi! Pulling Pushkar's legs, bantering about some guy or some girl. Explaining why his professor ( a man) is a hunk...

Never seen: Posing for a pic with his mouth closed... You might as well expect water to be found in the sun...

Commonly used phrase: Arrey #^@!*#, $#$^;^@, yaar! Chappal se maarunga !$#@^#%

Commonly addresses others as: Abey/ Baabaai/ Annayya/ Maams.

Will send chats/pings from next room as opposed to moving his ass, walk up and speak to you.

Funniest aspects: His voicemail and his accent in it. Tops it with super-blurred pronunciation which a lot of people can't understand. Like people being swept away by running river water clutch on to a log or branch with all their lives, people clutch on to nearest furniture or their forehead trying to decode his speed/words!

Pushkar Singh

Nickname: Pussy. Also known as Bihari, Pussy Baba, McPuss, Pushkaruu (by Pavan who is guessably Telugu), Kalla, Guru

Indian name: The one whose teeth are the only things visible in a dark room. One who is supposed to have done an unmentionable thing in hostel for up to 14 times in a day (which is so hard to believe). One who has a weak ass (No thighs... something...). One who knows about strip clubs (or anything for that matter) and the frustrations they cause and be the first one to run back home and anti-socialize.

Commonly seen: With a hanky tied around his forehead to set his hair. Feasting on bananas to cure his weak thighs. Lying on his bed with his laptop on his 6- pack or sometimes a little lower.

In the virtual world: He is the Sachin Tendulkar, Albert Einstein, Michael Schumacher, Elvis Presley of the house. Commonly seen gathering his villagers and running to some other Town Center in Age of Empires 3. If settled he is very dangerous. He only sends his MVP - Hand Cavalry and thrashes the $^*;# out of the enemy and plays a major role rescuing his teammates (Often Varun!)

Commonly uttered stuff: Ohh Maa! Oh bhennnn...di! Abbey kyaa bolle ho bey! Chinta beti___(unparliamentary words for Chinta's daughter), Potty beti___ (Where Potty = Varun Turlapotty), Powwaa Haraami, Pavna (Pavan) Haraami! Bhhhhakkkkk!

Sole aim in life: Apart from that of finding a wife who can make rotis for him, his aim is to criticize, or nag Varun, preach stuff. He fears revealing his other major aim (esp to Vaibhav) because it is to free Biharis in Mumbai and give them a separate state in Mumbai itself!

Strengths: Makes sambhar during his turn in cooking! Roommates hardly remember having eaten another dish by him.

Weaknesses: None known to humanity (himself). However, his shy smile can cause weakness in knees of opposite sex, come to think of it!

Vaibhav Khairnar

Nickname: Pauwa/Powwa, Body Builder, Bouncer

Indian name: One who has never smiled in photographs so far/ one who has same expression in every photograph (Expression saying perhaps "Big deal. Do I care!").

Passions: Keep watching out for deals online and tempt others into thinking 100 times about it. Then confuse them when they are about to decide on something. Keeps uttering sahastranam (1000 names) of Pushkar. Either same name in different styles or different nicknames in different styles.

Other known facts: Harbors feelings for Pushkar and also for a girl that Chinta has a crush on. Publicly, however, they declare disgust/hatred for her. 

Penchant: Has a knack for cracking up people around him with his PJs or some absurd logic.

[Recorded saying: "Pushkar, you should buy a car for us roomies. It is hard to commute to college."

Pushkar retorts: Go in a taxi or rent a car.

Vaibhav: Abey nahi! No! You can't park it by Chicago river. Doesn't feel nice to accidentally drown someone else's car!]

Has a funny voicemail too. (Voicemail funny-ness rating = 6 out of 5. A very matter-of-fact-ly "Hi! Currently I am not a... a... aevuh-laebal (available). Plizz uh call me back later!" or some such thing.) Watches movies, episodes or plays Age of Empires. Together with  McPuss, he forms a strong team in Age of Empires/ Counter-strike. Jujubes (helpless/hapless ones like Varun) always benefit being in their team.

Often says: "Kyaaa?" with a constipated look on his face. "... meansss..." 

Known to: Strip down to skin-tight t-shirts or vests to show off his muscles at the drop of a hat (Or at the visit of a girl, perhaps?). To mock Pavnaa's pronunciation of Hindi words while not realizing how much entertainment his English pronunciations are...

Pavan Mamidipalli

Full name: Phani Raja Pavan Mamidipalli

Bankers say: He doesn't need encrypted password. His name is good enough!

Nickname: PavNaa, Anniyaa, Nassu (After Naseeruddin Shah, whom he resembles).

USP: Shrill voice (Shrillest a man can have. When uttering interjections, they sound like they are coming from an angry dog whose neck has been throttled so much that it is now gasping like a cat or a horn from old style motors). Partial stammer when uttering words starting with P/ K (P. Phh. Phhushkaruu - refer above)

Commonly exclaims: "Nee ammaa rey..." (Some views and humble opinions about the other person's mother), "Nee khhaamedy ni ..." (comedy- again some views about the other fellow's humor). "Of course!" "Wokay!"

Trivia: Is a fatherly figure. Together with the rice-eating, movie freak above, he forms a formidable pro-Andhra team. If President Bush were to be in tenure, he'd have been drawn to the strange increase in rice consumption in USA ever since Fall 2009.

His words have inspired Biharis above to pick up curses in Telugu (Puss was once heard saying, "Neeeyummm ray!")

Popular pass-time: Calling up near and dear ones, talking about world affairs. Joining in pulling Phhushkaru's or Varun-gaa's legsu! Ganging up with Chinta to support listening to Mass (crass) songs in Telugu! Watching scenes from a watched movie over and over again.

Miracles/Public welfares undertaken: Preaching ill effects of drinking water immediately after food while simultaneously guzzling 2 cans of Coke/Pepsi after dinner. (He doesn't understand the meaning of irony...)

Recent hobbies: Like a typical Desi, took to photography (clicking or getting clicked) like a tribal pervert takes to internet porn. Now... has developed skills and creativity to promise certain girls (sisterly love) beautiful photographs of theirs with ideas for hairdo (for their wedding day).

Expected Avatar: In 5 years, will become a Mad scientist (is a PhD student after all), writing crazy chemical formulas over rice and selling them as art pieces! Oh rice he has to eat, so may be it is going to be on wheat!

The above post was brought to you by yet another useless soul in 918 S Claremont Av - yours truly! To know more about him, get in touch with any of the above mentioned. They'd be in police custody for assault on the writer!

War and Piss

This is an old poem, written in about 2005/06. It is here because I was reminiscing the days when we attended various fests/events at different colleges.
This one was written as my entry to the poetry contest at IIM Bangalore at their Management fest. There were various odd/vague sounding topics given. I chose "War and Piss", and it goes as follows:

War and Piss

Riding, on my way to IIM Bangalore,
I saw a need to construct toilets galore!
        The infernal, unholy stink,
        led me to think,
“Two words used with or without link
talk about World Health, if or if not pink.”
        Between ‘war’ and ‘piss’
        Consider these similarities.
Whatever may happen,
Both need a weapon.
        One is solely for mass destruction.
        Other can be used for mass production.
Former weapon spreads evil helter skelter.
Anyway, latter is no better.
        Humans wage war for oppression.
        Dogs piss to show domination.
War is across national borders.
Piss is across streets, much against government orders.
        Fight against evil is also called ‘warfare’.
        Relieving oneself is good, as it makes one feel light as air.
Wage a ‘war’ against illegal piss.
Inspire ‘opposites’ into blowing you a kiss.
        Fellows and brothers, PLEASE stop these wars!
        Lets not leave our Earth, ugly with scars!

Dad on Facebook?

Woke up in the death of the night!

Saw a sleep-blowing sight!

Checking to see the new mails I got,

there was one - made me feel I was high on pot!

Happy or nervous, should I feel?

Lips or fingers, should I seal?

All careless flirting may be under scrutiny,

and any reckless word may lead to a mutiny!

"As you're going down, you're taking us with you",

say my friends, "What did you do?"

I invited him in an impulsive moment.

He accepted it. Now I can't lament!

"What's all this midnight poetry about", you say?

"My dad's on Facebook!" Here, my case I lay!

*Written at 4:00 am!!!

Rasam powder's importance

What is the value of Rasam in Varun's life?

Zilch.

Ok, that's a very rude thing to say about Rasam because it is great to have it and some people love it. Most people live because of it. Every Tamilian survives on it. Teluguites have a bit of it on most days as appetizers and call it "Chaaru". Kannadigas and Malayalees have it too with their own variations. The rest of India would not much know the difference between a Sambaar and Rasam but do like it when they have it.

Rasam, with its ingredients, can not only be an appetizer but also give relief from cold and flu. "It makes you want to live another day..." says my dad, when he gives his pro-Rasam talk.

I never eat it with rice. For me it is a mere nutrition-less food. I'd rather have as much as my appetite normally permits than increase my appetite and find that Rasam anyway filled that newly increased appetite.

Let's refine the question a bit.

What's the value of Rasam in Varun's life in India? Zilch.

What's the value of Rasam in Varun's life in USA? Increasing...

Mr Innovator (one of my faces) made Rasam flavored Pasta. I'll call it "Rasamy Pasta". I'll take suggestions for a better name. I was tired of eating outside. I wanted to make something and realized that we were out of rice. "Ummmm!!! Varun, what do we do now?"

"Ummmm!!! How about making pasta?"

"Yeah! Will save money for tonight and I'll get to make it to suit my taste buds..."

So I religiously start cleaning 2 utensils, boil pasta and sautee vegetables. I'm not your emergency cook but a Chef-i-have-time-give-me-something-new-yet-tasty cook! I realized it and people did praise me for my food. The only flaw so far has been that potatoes in my dishes often aren't completely cooked. So let's say I am a Honest-chef-I-have-time!-Give-me-something-new-yet-tasty cook. I wanted my taste buds to get a tingle of red chilly powder. I have been having really bland food for long without whining.

Indians need spices and chilly powder in particular. More so, people from Andhra Pradesh. We are people who just make a pickle of everything. Most them vary in degrees of spice - (with '!' symbol to be read as the spice level)

Most spicy, !!!!! + !

Moster spicy, !!!!! + !!

Mostest Spicy and !!!!! + !!!

Call-the-fire-brigade spicy !!!!! + !!!!!

Now as I finish this post, I can't say anything more than, "Call me home, and let me dish out a Varun special, anytime when you're at leisure!"

For now, Chef Varun (CV) signs off, having satisfied his belly and taste buds.

I'm just wondering if it should have read: Honest-Chef-I-have-time!-Give-me-something-new-yet-tasty!-Remind-me-of-my-mom cook!

The only reason I hate my name!

My name was carefully chosen by a man who puts detailed thought into everything. Everything! My father wanted to ensure that it was not a typical Andhra name. That his son shouldn't have a problem while filling the numerous application forms that one fills in a life time was a major factor in his choice. He wanted to name me a trendy and uncommon one by those days' standards. The limiting factor was also that no one should be able to shorten my name further. They could nickname me anything, but the name itself couldn't be shortened further. Shortening further shoudn't give any bonus to the one calling out the shortened name. All these factors culminated into my name being fixed as what it is.

People may argue that they could still shorten my name and make it "Varu" or "Var" or some such thing. But here is what I observed. The easiest for anyone to shout out or keep using frequently would be bisyllabic names (Two sounds. Most nicknames are of 2 syllables.). Names longer than those are shortened to 2 syllables for ease of use. Vikram (2.5 or 3 syllables) typically becomes Vikky. Tejaswi become Teju. Vinay could become Vinnu. Padmanabhan becomes Paddy and so on. There are some 2.5 or 3 syllable names which can't be shortened and be used easily. Say, shouting out "Varru" isn't so much of a bonus over "Varun". "Madhur" can't be shortened but in case it is shortened, "Madhu" is another valid Indian name. Also, calling out, "Mad" in a formal meeting sounds flippant.

So, Mr Ravi Kishore (my dad)! Well done. Hats off! However, there are occasions when I really hate my name, of which, I am otherwise very proud.

I remember, people used to appreciate my name in the context of monsoon rains which are crucial for Indian farmers and the economy. The name was fairly uncommon too. So I never had trouble with my name. It is also a part of the motto of Indian Navy.

I hated it most in Bengaluru. Bengaluru has the most fickle rains that a city could have. Given that it is not an island, or near a coast like say Mumbai, it is surprising where it gets rains from. It is not exaggerating to say that if the sun beats down for 4 days or say a week, the next day has to be rainy. So, when I would set out to go to college on a bright morning, it would not rain, unless I am not carrying my jacket. So let us say, it is that day when it could rain going by the rule I established above, it will rain positively if I am not carrying my jacket. If I do carry my jacket, however, it will not rain. I was stuck with this. It happened more than a dozen times. Riding a bike on a horribly wet day is an experience I will dedicate another article to. For now only those who have ever "been there done that" will know how it is a nightmare.

I think it is to do with my name because my friends didn't seem to have such a problem. Every such instance only cemented that rule for me. The last one really frustrated me. I drove my friends to a cricket match that I was playing. My roommate (Vinay) wanted to see a game in flesh, especially a game that I was playing. This excitement came to him when he saw the cricket kit that I bought. The others for some reason or the other wanted to watch it too. My main worry was, if after they came to see the match I only managed to score a duck or did badly in the game.

I didn't expect that there was something worse to fear. 10 minutes before our reaching the ground it started drizzling. 9 minutes before reaching it started lashing. And it continued to pour for at least half an hour. With every half a minute of rain, my belief that there would even be a single ball bowled in the game was buried deeper. So far every game possible got rained out. The one game that didn't get washed out was the one in which I was resting. My teammates (Most of them from Pakistan) were wondering how this year the weather seems such a spoil sport. I observed this till one day in a fit of frustration I cursed that it was my name perhaps. That I joined the league this year was enough for the God of Rain to start pouring his heart out was what I was coming to believe. In fact, this time, it is not just affecting me, but my team, and the whole league itself.

Now, with this knowledge, everytime there is a rain forecast or the match has just been called off, my senior team members teasingly ask me, "Aur kyaa chaahte ho bhaai mujhse?" (What more do want from me?) "Let us have a game, Raingod!" they say. Varun means "God of water" but then I don't think that makes a difference anyway. The sorry story continues every weekend. Every team member observed how the sun beats down brightly and how it is pleasant for the whole week just to spoil the weekend. It is as if the sun wants a break in the weekend too! I wonder why it isn't this way - the rain wanting an off on weekend! It is MY name, I guess! When I was in India, it was this way there. Now that I am in Chicago, it is this way here!

I have vowed to change my name and/or email ID (varun.raingod@gmail.com). Another thing I promised to do is to name my son "Ravi" not so much after my dad as because it means "Sun God". At least he'll get nice weather following him wherever he goes. I only hope after all this that the same rule applies to him (Name = weather).

This is the only time I hate my name; only reason I hate my name. Dad, couldn't you think of another name?