"All right, will someone stand up and take responsibility, now?" Was all I could ask." For the whole day, I had my ID/Access card in my pocket and I was searching for it everywhere except in it. Then when I looked for it in the pocket in the morning, I didn't find it. I went to office preparing myself for limiting bladder discharge in the day. Every visit needed Access card to get back into my office. I forgot that I kept it in my pocket like a programmed machine. It just didn't register. I thought I was forgetful and so must've forgotten to put the card in the pocket. So much for self-confidence!
On this day, that I called a call center already, sorting out a cellphone bill (I apparently spoke for a good 1100 min (not so good with the amount it cost me) in daytime during that month and 1100 or more on nights and weekends!) I could have done with another.
So here is another 1-800 number that I'd like to call now. Picture something like this...
1-800-COOL-GOD-4-U : "Hi! Welcome to God's customer service center. Press 2 for Spanish! {Pause}
{Continuing in English} To make a request (prayer) press 1. For divine support press 2. For other options please press 3. For thanksgiving press 9999999999! (Hardly used option! So much so, even God is skeptical it happens...)"
I pressed 3. An auto-voice said, "Your call may be monitored for quality purposes."
"Hi I am an angel, how may I help you?"
"Hi, this is, uhhmm, Varun. I wish to talk to someone who could help explain why I am dumb."
"Oh that is grievance cell. Currently there are a 6999999998 people who are on line. Please wait while we transfer you there."
"What! That's just 2 short of the world population! Who are those 2 kind souls who are saving me some time?"
"Uhhmm! Those would be Rajnikanth and Tom Cruise, sir!"
"Aaahhhh! I should've known", I thought!
After much wait, my call was attended to.
"Hi I am calling to find out why I am so dumb? Rather, so absent-minded?"
"For security purpose, sir, could you verify your date of birth for us?
"Dec 30th 1984"
"Thank you! And your caste?"
"What??? Why would YOU need my caste?"
"We're trying to adopt the Indian political systems. What with India Shining and all... Besides, Ayodhya thing finally being resolved slowly over eons!!! You know that's how God likes to do things - slowly but assuredly!"
"So, are God, Allah and Shiva, Vishnu, and the gang all different? They are all friends up there, at least, I hope!"
"Ok sir, that confirms that you indeed are dumb! We need no further security verification! Please hold a moment while we pull up your records!"
{What! I thought that was everyone's question! Why am only I dumb? Oh well, that is what I was supposed to get sorted out anyway!}
"Sir, we have your records pulled up. Since it is a lot of data, would you like to ask specific questions?"
"Sure! Why am I absent-minded? For example..."
"Sir, we are sorry! There was a mistake in your design! You were manufactured in God's Taiwan dept. We thought of a recall, but your head was already out by then... We could credit you though if you..."
"What? Credit?"
"Yeah, like how it happened with your Verizon phone bill? ROTFL. How did you manage that sir? There was no mistake on Verizon's part, though. In our case, we'd like to apologize for our mistake and credit your next life with better stuff."
"So what would that make me?"
"A silicon implant, sir!"
{Sigh!}
"So why exactly am I defective?"
"God was watching Sachin Tendulkar bat..."
"What! Wasn't he just 11 then?"
"Yes, he was musing over his creation and seeing how at that young age he was developing and all! You know, customer feedback and market survey etc?"
"Aaarrrghghghgh!"
"Besides, at about that time there were a lot of cries. Tragedy befell a lot of places. Chernobyl, Bhopal, assassinations, etc. People killed, people praying out of fear. They hardly pray during prosperity, you know! And never for the good of all! For statistics, the most used word in prayers is 'I'."
"So distractions did it all huh!"
"Yes sir! Glad you understand. Is there anything else I could assist you with?"
"Is there nothing else that could be done now?"
"You are a goof! Be happy. Your goofiness is a source of entertainment for people."
"Not for my mom, for example!!!"
"Well, your records show that in your absence, she giggles about it. Your aunts do that too. In future they'll tell your children stories of your dumbness!"
"Thanks for driving it in!"
"To help yourself, sir, maybe you should try smart things, like not playing cricket when you haven't yet recovered from your fractured thumb!"
"I love that game!!!"
"And so you let it systematically disintegrate you? Sir, we could escalate this problem higher up but at this point I must warn you, that further inquiries would have a negative impact on your Credit history in the US."
"I'm not surprised! Is there anything in the world or in the universe that can actually boost up your credit history rather than damage it?"
"None that we know of, sir! Only Osama bin Laden and such minded people are exempt. They can get away doing all that they want. Only Iraq, Iran and innocent lives are threatened always!"
"I observed that the evil get to live richly and nicely. No worries. Isn't it supposed to not work that way?"
"Sir, we are bringing up upgrades and enhancements to our systems. It is slated to be in future after Kali Yuga. You could stay subscribed to our updates for INR 200000 per month."
"No thanks! But I am curious you take INR?"
"That's the in thing sir. Nothing with $$$ these days. We're hoping for India Shining and all but it needs entrepreneurs and all. We all know people only talk and do nothing except post videos on FB about Glorious India! People like you should tighten up and aim high. That will at least earn you more credit than to be just a silicon implant in the next birth!"
"Can I not be a writer?"
"And just torture more people? Aren't we talking about making the world a better place to live in?"
"Oh! So I need more improvement in my writings then?"
"You're getting there... Already some improvement in understanding words. Now clean the wax in your ears sir. In most of your friends' prayers, we record 2 common problems - 1: Why doesn't he hear properly? 2: Someone make him eat fast! At least 1 morsel an hour! Is there anything else I could assist you with?"
"Thank you, nothing for now."
"Thank you for your time, and sleep tight, cause 'you look wonderful tonight...' Hah hahaha! Just kidding. We love Clapton in here!"
"Eric Clapton and all! Thanks good night!!"
