A year as good as life summary

At every stage of one's life one has moments when they think to themselves, "This is it! This is the toughest moment in my life."
To elaborate or enumerate each one would be of not much point but here are a few points:
1- In 9th std I'd wonder how people would memorize all texts for the final board exam. Did it somehow.
2- In 11th I wondered how I'd get into Engineering (I was sure I didn't want to pursue a career in Medicine). I did.
3- With horrible performance in academics I was worried if I'd ever get placed and get a job. I got a job when I least expected. I didn't even dress for the interview. Went in  raggedy jeans and tee-shirt.
4- Had absolutely no clue of work there and often spent 15 to 17 hour work days for a whole week or 2.
5- Change of job. Cleared all tech rounds and was selected. Got stuck at HR process tussle between 2 companies. Was so disappointed that I thought that was the end of my hopes. A wise man - my dad - said more opportunities will come. If you are capable enough you'll never have a problem. And true to his words I did get another job in a month from the HR related failure.
6- Quitting work to pursue MS. My manager thought I wasn't too technically strong for a research oriented job profile. That did enough to poke my ego and I decided to do Masters - that which my dad had long been vocalizing about. The whole application process was draining.
7- Masters was relatively a breeze except that brand UIC didn't seem to help get a job. So again the worry of how to, where to and when to get the job.

Exactly 1 year back I joined Riverbed Technology. It wasn't exactly my dream job given my background was more in Embedded Systems and Processor Architecture. However I took it up. The first 2 or 3 months were so hazy that I had no clue what I was doing, what was expected of me, how I was being judged etc, Leaving all my friends in Chicago necessitated making new friends here and having some life here too.
Began playing tennis, cricket and visiting Chicago every weekend. I'd look forward to weekends so much that I'd start planning on wednesdays. And until Tuesdays I'd be hung over fro the previous weekend.

Aug 14th - I fractured my thumb playing cricket and surgery was the only go. A man of weak heart when it comes to hospitals and medical procedures can't imagine such a thing being done on him. Between a syringe poke and death I'd pick the latter. And yet with some bravery I went ahead with the surgery. I took pics of my thumb with pins jutting out of it. Surely brave of me!

Weeks leading up to Thanksgiving and Christmas holidays saw me work 12 to 14 hours a day for a week at a stretch, This wasn't demanded at work but I thought to take up the challenge to finish my tasks earlier than estimated. By now I started enjoying my work and decided to  do well here. Things changed and for good. I started living in Champaign rather than merely counting my breaths here during weekdays and rushing to Chicago for weekends. I did a play in late Fall and enjoyed meeting new people and befriending some people. These are people I'd always look forward to meeting and sharing ideas! I joined writers' club and quit because of lack of time.

I visited many places - Las Vegas, Toronto and San Francisco noteworthy of the places.

The cycle of working late nights is back now and I am happy to be working. My only loss is personal life. From how I was maybe a couple of years back and maybe in undergrad to now - I mellowed and quietened a lot. Life does things to you. Friends come, friends drift. There is an underlying depression when you think that eventually all friends will slowly start drifting apart though not necessarily in a sour way. There are minor achievements you feel proud of and there are mistakes that you rue.

On social front I perhaps made a lot of acquaintances but I lost some friends and their love for me. Or so I feel. At times it is not the million friends you have on Facebook but it is 1 person you could turn to any time and preferably a 2-way traffic at that.

New crushes, not so enthusiastic pursuance, familiar stories of no reciprocation for various reasons, odd people randomly asking, "How come you aren't hooked up yet?"
Wanting to buy a dream car but ending up buying a car that has a dream owner. Poor credit to much improved credit history. And now plans to go to India, meet my parents, grandparents, answer questions about marriage and plans ahead, go to places esp in Andhra Pradesh.
So many things lined up but this blog is mainly to celebrate my 1 year at work - Riverbed Technology and 1 year at Urbana-Champaign - a place I thought I could never live in, given I am a big city person. I'd recommend UC to all people who have a taste for a life filled with variety.

Here's a cheers to my 1 year which has been as good as a summary of people's lives for fives or tens of years or even whole lives.

2 thumbs up!

It wasn't the best of the starts I could have had, I must say. The round of events should justify the "Vicissitudes" in the blog's name.
Roughly 6 weeks into my romance with my newly wed, I've had not so good stuff happen in personal life. Moving to a nice little university town (Urbana-Champaign), working full-time in the day, playing tennis every evening, playing cricket on weekends and visiting Chicago on weekends to meet friends and spending time at Brand "918 SC" with some new officers ramping up to carry the torch/brand forward were a lot of things to do in an average week. However a freak accident while playing cricket led to a fractured right thumb. That not only put a comma (maybe coma too) to my activities but also dented my spirits. (Being denied a car loan sort of added to the irritation.)
Now, being advised to undergo a surgery to correct my thumb dented my spirits beyond imagination. At about the same time, I even got a speeding ticket and a parking ticket. Being a proud driving student of my father, this put me to shame.

I didn't know if any inspiration would work to humor me away from the glum, nauseating, knocking-off thoughts. When I was getting my thumb a splint of plaster of paris, next to me was sitting an old lady. I tried not to look at her for the fear of accidentally letting my eyes land on her injury/wounds/fracture. A hyper imagination has caused to me faint for even trivial things like a vaccination.
The lady was perhaps in her 70s or so. She sounded frail. Her words trembled, more because they came from a very old throat than out of nervousness. Despite being in the deepest thoughts about my surgery and being worried, I lent my ears to her words. She talked about this and that. Suddenly she exclaimed, "Oh wow! I will have new bandages!" It sounded so like a kid getting a new dress. I couldn't help but chuckle. Next she was being given some covering, supporting boots.

"These look like ski boots! I could go skiing!"
This time I guffawed! It may not be the quality of the joke as much as the spirit of the old lady! There was my inspiration to get back the kid Varun who'd bravely go to hospitals and impress the doctors and surgeons. My surgery is due on friday Sep 3rd 2010. While I wait to see which of my friends can be with me that day at the hospital, the lady and her words will go a long way towards my mental strength.
Here is to your humor and the timing, lady!
My original title for this post was - Fractured thumb - rebuilt humor.
I changed it to the current title to not only archive her words but to also implement my resolve to keep my humor (which I learned from her).
And yeah, prayers are welcome - In cash or kind. Even 2 thumbs up would do ;)

As the curtains draw on my Chicago episode...

... the show must go on.

Nothing changes. Maybe a few bedbugs that had erstwhile lived on my blood may die. Although I feel sorry for those lives, there is not a lot I could do. I believe that if I survive, I could always feed many more bugs that'd black-cat me. (Refer to my prev blog post for what I mean by Black-cat.)

Tina (my landlady) may not have to look out and see if there is Varun loitering around in the front yard or back yard before going out. Assuredly she can go about her chores/ walks without having to forcibly participate in conversations struck by me.
Vinay can, without scruples, go about watching movies and TV, partying about the place, guzzle tons of rice at one go (even become a Vodka distributor, maybe) and do anything he wishes to and Varun will not criticize him. Vaibhav can pretend to be an angel that he is not for all he cares. Will Varun be able to find out? Nope! Pavan can continue his daily mad-scientistry at UIC for another 3 years without worrying that someone would point fingers at his ways of daily life. Konark will lose out on not much. He won't have to worry about someone reminding him that Chicago may not be the best place for an Electrical Engineer like him. The only loss is losing one of the fellows who'd discuss life at Wipro!

Saahithi will surely be the most relieved of all people. The 'egoistic', 'proud' and 'boastful' Varun will not be around to make her life look ordinary. Sapna won't have a lightly flirtatious guy trying to make a gazillion trip plans for a group of which, eventually, only a 10% may materialize. The more recent close friends in Bhavani, Smruthi, Ryan will surely miss Varun but will also have ways of finding themselves easier and more fun friends than him. (It is not all that easy to replace the fun that the duo of Babbaii and Raingod can provide!) Nisha, Sruthi and Sacheeta will be spared of the ordeal of Varun and his aura! No one to breathe down her neck claiming that her sister is the prettiest in the world :p; no one to call her 'jaanemann' and try to make her smile; no one to comment on the 1-D body and her cuteness/prettiness. Pranali will miss 'someone' at all but the kind of person she is, she will have plenty of overwriting people. Teja (Miss Warangal) will no longer be able to have a guy trying to recollect which beautiful actress she resembles - perenially!

Pushkar and Venkat are safe already because they left Chicago for their work. Now how does this affect my personal life? I have not much clue except that my pockets will start getting regularly filled. I am happy to get started with this new phase of life. It let's me not only survive but also thrive and be able to spend time in future with friends - as opposed to theoretically staying in Chicago "forever" (romantic yet cruelly impossible).


On the flip side of this all, moving to Champaign can so easily be pushed away as "Oh he is not going really far!" I already had almost everyone say it. My wisdom and experiences tell me that that is the first sign of readiness to let go off! Presence, companionship, memories, ... etc! Everyone thinks, "Oh he is always gonna be around!" I'd think, "I can always make it to any party, meeting or plan..." At this moment I'd neither support nor refute this half-developed theory. I'd be glad to have as many people as possible to have fond memories of me! (Oh wait! I am not yet dying! :D )
I'd enjoy a bye-bye call or visit.

PS: The grievances, due to Varun, of some of the people who black-catted him are greatly understated. Some or all of the specimen have a truckload of complaints on him. But then hey! What good is it having yet another bland acquaintance!

Parting shots:
So what, one may ask, are Chicago/UIC going to lose by the moving out of Varun?
Possible statistics will reveal improvements in:
1) Average height of humans in Chicago.
2) Average strands of hair per square-inch of scalp.
3) Average sanity level in general.
4) Average speed of eating a meal.
5) Number of inquisitive and question-mark expressions.

There will be a reduction in:
1) number of adventurists/triers in the city.
2) number of Walking-enthusiasts.
3) number of movie-critics, esp those movies by Tom Cruise and his kin (acting-wise). (Oh how horrible agonizingly painful it is to watch his movies. I'd rather watch our native - Rajnikanth's - movies than Tom Cruise's!)
4) average beer consumption in the city/ university.
5) number of odd jokes which get a "I don't know what that was about..." reaction!

Again not an exhaustive list, but then the idea was to have some parting shot at all... Adios friends! Adios UIC! Adios Chicago!

A compilation of regrets

A passing by reader will be very tempted to generalize and say, "This blog is only about attempts at philosophy or wanting to be serious and talking about what I miss." I'd beg those readers to sympathize with me.

My recent talks with many of my friends and acquaintances revealed that everyone is in the same boat. Perhaps living in another country and not just another city makes people think deep and hard about everything. Thoughts become intense. There is a general wistfulness and longingness about anything! All this in the middle

of fun trips and vacations!

So when I was driving about in Tennessee and on our way back to Chicago, I had solitary moments when all my friends were asleep. I was driving with special focus on the road (I drove between 5am and 8am). In the screen of my mind played a movie!

This movie showed different me-s.

Anything but my present self...

So I was:

1) Drummer in a rock band (Professional/Amateur)

2) Flautist

3) Singer

4) Cricketer

and some more characters which didn't get enough time to form. They were vague.

These are my regrets. I love my life. I know that what I am is because of all that has happened to me and how I reacted to them. (The harshest self critic and the humblest acceptor of the criticism surely does well in life, I believe!)

But it was interesting to picture how life would have been if I were anything but what I am now. Somewhere deep in my heart, I still have one regret. I don't know what exactly it was that made me so strongly inclined to it but everytime my mom suggested that I should be an Engineer when I grew up, I pictured a happy-go-lucky train driver who sounded the whistle of the train ever so often!

Mom! Yeah I became an engineer, but perhaps there was a miscommunication! Where is my train?

Spoilsport became Opportunity

When could a rained out (Cricket match cancelled due to rain) be tolerated?

When you get interesting company... You sit and chat over a wide range of topics... That's when!

"You know what I learnt from someone? The difference between a smart guy and a not-smart guy...", said Moshi bhai!

"Go on! What is it?" I said, always the one to enjoy Moshi's company.

"A smart guy needn't be experienced, but can understand exactly (Almost empathize with) what the other person who is more experienced is saying and use that to act wisely. Given a set of inputs and circumstances, not just you, but I would take the same decision."

I almost agree. With a bit of difference based on the natural attitude of the person, more often than not everyone would end up taking the same decision. So Moshi made me feel not-such-a-loser-as-I-decided-I-was after a discussion with my friends and roommates made me believe I was the biggest loser, deciding to quit work and come here to the US!

And now when I think, I wonder if that natural attitude of a person (The traits of being optimistic or not, risk-taking or not) depends on the circumstances around him/her all life... If some friend of mine and I were baby swapped, then he'd have been like me now and I'd have been like him now. Yeah the genes may count too, but that's far too complex to judge. Then again, if you trace back, the gene differences came because of diverse circumstances that all of us lived under.

After a 2 hour chat on various things with him, (who is Pakistani by birth) that make you feel homesick or at home, I realized that the same things that used to irritate me at home (India) will be more tolerable for me.

I miss the crowd.

I miss the chaos.

I miss the roads (or at places, the lack of it).

I miss the people.

I miss the food.

I now am thankful that I came here to study. I now know what I missed when I was in it! In the thick of the things!

Most of all, perhaps, my mom reminding me "Do you have your wallet with you? Does your wallet have money? Do you have your cellphone?" And I'd stop her halfway and grumble that she thinks I'm an irresposible kid.

Only to come back in 5 min, sheepishly smiling and admitting, "I forgot my bike keys!"

More on related things in my forthcoming posts. I'm thinking these now because it's been 1 year since I left home (India) and I was so mentally prepared that I didn't even let the thought of homesickness mention itself... Now, it's hard to stop these thoughts!

A walk in the rain

Mind was clouded;

frustration enshrouded!

Hoped for a clearer mind.

Brightness it should find!

Not happy, was I, with any work.

Backstabbers! Every corner they lurk.

"I have no achievement!"

To myself I lament.

No opportunity to prove myself.

No earnings to stock my shelf.

All, around me, in their strides, have spring.

Alas! I'm tied down; depression the string!

For others' sake, I go out of my way.

For their hassles, soul and spirit I lay!

To up my mood, no one cares!

A friendly time no one spares...

In mind, I want to get rid of darkness.

Outside, I don't mind the cloudy mess.

"Oh bring some peace! Bring some calm!"

I begged! Begged with outstretched palm.

On my way back home, raining it was!

My regular way would be by bus.

But today I chose to ease my pain.

So I walked. Like a kid I walked in rain!

*Dedicated to all those souls who are going through tough times! Hope that brought a smile...